Thursday, February 10, 2011

A work by Lindsay Strand

The Pope announced last Friday that the Bible is now banned from the Catholic Church.  “It’s an absolute abomination to our faith!” the Pope stated to local reporters.  His first announcement of this new change was addressed to the Cardinals at the weekly Papal Fish Fry held at a local pub called Slippery Jay’s.  After his speech to the Cardinals, his assistant replied gingerly, “Mr. Pope, you have tartar sauce on your chin.”
            When responding to questioning of his decision, the Pope replied that the Bible “has too much violence and too many sexual situations.  Also,” he stated, “there’s a story towards the end of the Bible about a man who runs amuck with a posse of men who always seem to be kissing.  He even wears a dress and gladiator sandals!  The Catholic Church does not approve of such a blasphemous piece of literature!”
Many Catholics are not surprised by this decision, and many support the change.  “I can’t be exposing my young, vulnerable children to these obscenities!  There’s way too much violence and sexual acts in this so called book!”  a local Catholic mother of twenty stated to reporters.  “My kids don’t need any more pressure put on them!  It’s more obscene than that trollop Dora the Explorer and her exposed midriff!”
The Bible has been a guide of faith for the Catholic Church for quite some time.  Priests in the United States find it easy to adjust to preaching from other doctrines.  One priest from Kansas said “It’s not too big of a deal.  I mostly throw in a few Glenn Beck quotes and call it good.  I’m used to bs-ing my way through a mass.”  He also agreed strongly with the Pope saying that the story of creation in Genesis is “. . . obviously a sexual innuendo.”  The interview with the Kansas priest abruptly ended there.
Many local Catholic Churches are deciding to have book burnings in honor of the Pope’s new decision.  A local parishioner says they will be burning the Bible, Origin of Species, and all of the books in the Twilight saga.  “The Twilight books just really suck,” he added.     
After his interviews with reporters from the Vatican, the Pope leaned over and mumbled to his assistant, “I think Sheryl Crow wrote most of that damn book anyway.”

*DISCLAIMER: Do not take anything you see online seriously. I would never intentionally hurt another person outside of self-defense. (No matter how much I want to). I also over-exaggerate a lot. Hyperbole is my middle name. I also have a great appreciation for dark humor. Something that may seem violent could simply be a joke. If you have questions or concerns, e-mail me at


  1. This was awesome Linds, have you worked on it anymore, or is it finished as is?

  2. I haven't really worked on it. I was happy with it. I have gotten similar ideas, though...Once I'm done with all my finals, I'll hopefully have time for working on more articles like this.